Surrender

I came broken not knowing what I had to give to my camper, fellow CIA's, and staff. I came wondering why I went. I knew that iI was there for a purpose. I knew God would use me but i didn't know how.
For the past two months i hav felt as though i've been drowning. drowning in fonfusion yet knowing God's Grace and Mercy were keeping me a float.
Confused and lost yet i kknew i needed to stay near God. Yet I did not want to grab on. I felt as if I were in the Ocean tredding water and there was a raft right next to me. I knew i just needed to get inside the raft and I would be safe from the storm. Yet i stayed in the water, my legs bean to get tired. but i used my arms. My arms began to get tired my body was reaching a point of exhaustion yet i refuesed to rasp on to God's life raft. My body had reached the point of giving up yet i didn't want to grab on. I didn't want to admit I wasn't holding on already. I thougth by grabing on I would lose the little control i did have. I thought i would admit to all others watching that i wasn't trusting in God. I knew the raft would hold me i knew so well that i was covinved so i told others they needed to hold on and get aborad. yet i stayed in the water. I wanted to thin that wher i was was ok. A place of complacency, yet i was tired, overwhelemed, frustrated. I didn't understand how the raft wasn't supporting me. I wondered if i would end up drowning. Drowning into my own desires. Letting go of my first love to grap onto anything and everything that would allow me to feel better for the moment. When i thought there couldn't be anymore storms and the storm i was in coudn't get any worse. I submersed myself in a different body of water. I thought a break from this storm would allow me to have time to myself time to think and be away from everything. My pain of thought i might loose my sister was unbareable. i would do anything to help her. But i just didn't feel useful. I would try and i wanted to cheer her up. I wanted her to be in the raft in the arms of our FATHER. Once i saw that she was securely trusting in Him. I knw she would be ok. but i still was at apiont where i didnt climb into the raft i wanted to trust Him but i just didnt know how. I left ... I went to a place where no one knew about the storm i was in. No one knew where the last 2 months had taken me. No one knew that i cried on a daily basis wondering when the storm would be over. yet i knew all along if i just got in the raft i wouldn't have to try to be perfect. I woundt have to try and act as if my life was neatly put together. I would be fine knowing the CREATOR of the universe was keeping me a float through the storm i was facing.
By walking away from the first storm I was put in another stomr. One more trial one more time of knoiwng there was nothing I could do to make the situation any different. Figuring out that I didnt have the solution to every problem. But i didn't know if that was ok. was it ok to ask for help. was it ok to not be the best at everything i did. Was it ok that i didnt have the solution to every problem that came my way? i realized that through this time a prayer request was answered. I was completely broken. broken into so many pieces. I realized that I was never in control. Realizing that its ok to not be perfect or the best and knowing that i shouldn't give up when it gets hars.
i'm at a point of ultimate surredner, a point at which i realize i have no control. My only choice is to drown or get int he raft. I chose the raft. I chose surrendering. I want to stop striving and allow God to work through me. Trusting that He will get me through each situation.
FREEDOM! FREEDOM in christ alone is all i need i'm letting go and letting God have control of all of me!