Surrender

I came broken not knowing what I had to give to my camper, fellow CIA's, and staff. I came wondering why I went. I knew that iI was there for a purpose. I knew God would use me but i didn't know how.
For the past two months i hav felt as though i've been drowning. drowning in fonfusion yet knowing God's Grace and Mercy were keeping me a float.
Confused and lost yet i kknew i needed to stay near God. Yet I did not want to grab on. I felt as if I were in the Ocean tredding water and there was a raft right next to me. I knew i just needed to get inside the raft and I would be safe from the storm. Yet i stayed in the water, my legs bean to get tired. but i used my arms. My arms began to get tired my body was reaching a point of exhaustion yet i refuesed to rasp on to God's life raft. My body had reached the point of giving up yet i didn't want to grab on. I didn't want to admit I wasn't holding on already. I thougth by grabing on I would lose the little control i did have. I thought i would admit to all others watching that i wasn't trusting in God. I knew the raft would hold me i knew so well that i was covinved so i told others they needed to hold on and get aborad. yet i stayed in the water. I wanted to thin that wher i was was ok. A place of complacency, yet i was tired, overwhelemed, frustrated. I didn't understand how the raft wasn't supporting me. I wondered if i would end up drowning. Drowning into my own desires. Letting go of my first love to grap onto anything and everything that would allow me to feel better for the moment. When i thought there couldn't be anymore storms and the storm i was in coudn't get any worse. I submersed myself in a different body of water. I thought a break from this storm would allow me to have time to myself time to think and be away from everything. My pain of thought i might loose my sister was unbareable. i would do anything to help her. But i just didn't feel useful. I would try and i wanted to cheer her up. I wanted her to be in the raft in the arms of our FATHER. Once i saw that she was securely trusting in Him. I knw she would be ok. but i still was at apiont where i didnt climb into the raft i wanted to trust Him but i just didnt know how. I left ... I went to a place where no one knew about the storm i was in. No one knew where the last 2 months had taken me. No one knew that i cried on a daily basis wondering when the storm would be over. yet i knew all along if i just got in the raft i wouldn't have to try to be perfect. I woundt have to try and act as if my life was neatly put together. I would be fine knowing the CREATOR of the universe was keeping me a float through the storm i was facing.
By walking away from the first storm I was put in another stomr. One more trial one more time of knoiwng there was nothing I could do to make the situation any different. Figuring out that I didnt have the solution to every problem. But i didn't know if that was ok. was it ok to ask for help. was it ok to not be the best at everything i did. Was it ok that i didnt have the solution to every problem that came my way? i realized that through this time a prayer request was answered. I was completely broken. broken into so many pieces. I realized that I was never in control. Realizing that its ok to not be perfect or the best and knowing that i shouldn't give up when it gets hars.
i'm at a point of ultimate surredner, a point at which i realize i have no control. My only choice is to drown or get int he raft. I chose the raft. I chose surrendering. I want to stop striving and allow God to work through me. Trusting that He will get me through each situation.
FREEDOM! FREEDOM in christ alone is all i need i'm letting go and letting God have control of all of me!

Handle it

Handling life circumstances...some people eat, others exercise I sleep. Whenever i have an issue or im stressed out about something I just want to sleep.I want to go to sleep because when i wake up the problelm isn't as big as it was before i fell asleep. Now i dont want to go to sleep i dont like to sleep. I dont ever want to go up stairs and go to bed at night. The problem doesn't seem smaller when i wake up if anything the problem becomes more real everytime i wake up. The reality that she's not at home with us anymore. The reality that i miss her being here. I miss walking down stairs and bein aggravated or annoyed with her for some stupid little thing that happened. She was there to bounce my random ideas off of...or just to talk to me about everything in life God, school, boys, life. She is my Big sister and i have lived with her on and off for the past 21 years. She has been someone i've looked up to. Someone to learn from and someone who has always been there for me.
The good thing about me not wanting to go to sleep is that now when i try to handle whats going on around me i am able to cling to the Lord. I realize that i cant handle it and He is the only one i know that can! I didnt and dont want to turn to eating or exercising or anything else people turn to when life becomes crazy. God is here for us. And im constantly remided of how GREAT HE is. That the purpose of this life is to bring GLORY to the creator of the universe! How awesome it is that He wants to have a relationship with me. He wants me to cry out to Him and talk to Him about whats going on. ive turned from sleeping things off to handing things over to God. Theres no other way my family will be able to make it through this with out handing it all over to God.

Cancer

How real cancer becomes once it hits your family. The months of march and april have been extremely challenging. My cousin and uncle died of cancer. And just this past week we found out my older sister who is 27 years old and 29 weeks pregnant now has cancer.
God is the only one who is going to be able to get my family through this. I know He has a purpose and a plan for everything. The Bible says that God is our provider our savior our comforter our hope our salvation. Because of these i know that everything is going to be ok. I am praying that God grants my faily comfort that we have a peace with everything that is going on and that we might be able to lead others to the Lord through this. That we will look past the problem and look to the problem solver. HE is in control and He knows whats going to happen and why its going to happen that way. I need to remind my self to keep my eyes off the cancer off the problems around me and keep focus upon My LORD and Savior.

Dressing Bottles

I pulled the dressing out of the refrigerator and the oils on the outside made the glass bottle drop out of my hands. As I stand there watching the bottle drop to the floor. It is going in slow motion and is see the bottle flip over and over. I reach out my hand to grab it before it hits the floor but I didn’t grab fast enough. The bottle hit the floor sending glass and dressing all over the kitchen floor.
In my mind the bottle appeared to be dropping so slowly but at the same time I couldn’t reach it. What was I suppose to do? There’s no use in crying over spilt milk or dressing for that matter. But right now I feel as though the dressing bottle represents my life. If I can just grab a hold of the bottle before it hits the floor I know everything is going to be alright and I won’t have to worry about picking up the pieces or loosing what’s on the inside of this life I have all planned out. What am I to do?
I stretch out my hand to grab a hold of my life but the bottle is going too fast. My hands can’t catch up to the bottle and now I know the unenviable is going to happen. But I don’t want to have to pick up the broken pieces. I don’t want to have to mop up the dressing it’s just too much work because there are so many other things going on.
My life is moving too fast and I can’t keep up with it yet at the same time I see my life dragging on in slow motion as though I will not make it to the next step in my life. What am I suppose to do?
I’m suppose to let go and let God Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
By not reaching out I will allow God to reach out and grab a hold of the slippery bottle known as my life. HE knows what’s going to happen and HE knows that no matter how much I try to control what will happen in my life only HE knows what HE has planned for me. Though I might try to see whats going on and try to sort things out…I can’t? I CAN’T… I know I can’t but why do I try to. Why do I give things over to God and then take them back upon my own shoulders piece by piece until what I gave to God is no longer given to HIM but taken back by me.
It’s time I LET GO OF THIS LIFE…that has nothing to offer me…and stretch my hands to the heavens and allow God to catch the falling dressing bottles in my life…Allow HIM to rule and reign as the almighty Savior that HE is. To keep my hands outstretched in surrender to the ONE who sent HIS son to die on the cross in order for my sins to be forgiven. To live a life that is all ABOUT God and not about the worries of this life. Being married, having the dream job, owning a home, wearing the name brand clothing, looking like a movie star none of it matters when my hands are lifted and my focus is upon the LORD.