my thoughts

looking back

2010-07-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

A previous post of mine was about cancer...and how real the word and meaning became to me as a result of many close people in my life were diagnosed with cancer. Some died others were placed in remission. Life is fast life is real...God had a plan and a purpose for each one of those people in my life who had/have cancer...God showed me that salvation came out of cancer. That is name is shared with others as a result of cancer...How real and how short life is...how things of this world do not make sense to me and how i wish i could have been the one to get diagnosed with cancer rather then my older sister. It doesn't make sense to me. I don't understand how a wife, mother of 3, sister, daughter, and so much more could go through the whole process of cancer and being placed in remission only to not be sure again...Life is rough...life doesn't make sense...I wish i could take this burden from my sister...but i can't...as i watch her and her life i see how God is working through her. I'm able to see her faith grow. To see the hope that she has...
I went to Olive Garden with her while she was undergoing her first round of chemo. She told me Lauren I know God is going to heal me HE told me i just need to have faith and trust that HE has all things under control and that is all in HIS timing...I remember being encouraged at thismoment a GREAT reminder that GOD was in control that HE gives people that peace that passes all understanding. A hope that is beyond anything this world can offer. How real God is, is so much more evident to me now that it ever was before....I remeber the days that turned into weeks that I gave up on God that I was mad at HIM that i couldn't understand why all of this was going on. Why did my sister have to go through this...I remeber one afternoon just being so frustrated i was crying and angry...actually i might have been so angry that i did not cry...my emotions got so screwed up last year...The phone started to ring... i didn't want to answer it...i was tired of telling people that nothing had changed that my sister still had cancer that she still was getting chemo that she was sick that she was hurting. I was tired of the whole thing. I wanted it all to be over...for things to be the way they were before the cancer....However despite my emotions i went to the phone and answered it...It was my sister .... telling me the best news i have ever heard... she said she was in remission. I remember the emotions i felt i remember hanging up the phone prostrating myself before the LORD and thanking HIM...I remember not being able to say or do anything else except to weep tears of joy. To call upon HIS name to PRAISE HIM for how worthy HE is. To know that HE is our comforter, our provider, our creator...
i now look back on last year and realize that i learned so much...that i grew closer to the LORD that i was frustrated yet i still loved the LORD...i know now that despite cancer even if it is back that God will provide. God can and will heal...She told me that again she told me God will heal me one way or another. how is she so strong how does she have so much faith through this whole process...God is good and i pray that my family will be coninuely encouraged and given the peace that only GOD can give...Have your way with our family GOD...Do what needs to be done to bring GLORY to your name and your name alone!!! AMEN

God is Faithful

2010-06-14T17:36:00.001-07:00

I was praying on my way to work today. My prayer went something like this "God i have 8 more days left of work...and then i dont know where i will be. Please show me i know you are teaching me patience in my waiting."

Then i got a phone call from the principal of the school it looks like I will be working at. WOW Thank you God for answering my prayers so fast!

SAND

2010-06-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

I went to the beach twice in one day...and i brought my purse with me both times...

Later on in the week I put my hand in my purse to pull something out but instead i just ended up with sand underneath my fingernails...and i was like EWW gross..but I did nothing about it. A few days after that I pull a pen out of my purse. The pen no longer was working correctly because it had sand in it. I then went to a friends house with the same purse and ended up some how getting sand in her room from my purse...The sand ended up on my sunglasses, in my wallet, on my cell phone, in my lip gloss and countless other things.

You are probably thinking this girl is crazy who cares about sand in your purse go take it out and stop being lazy...and thats just right i am being lazy im not taking the sand out of my purse...because i keep forgeting its there...and when i remember its not a convienent time to take everything out of my purse remove the sand from each object and then empty my purse of the remaining pile of sand...

When i took my pen out to take notes at church it made me mad that it wasnt working correctly. I was think my goodness i just wish this pen would do what it was made to do...but because i allowed sand to enter the pen it was no longer working...It made me think thats how sin is...I allow sin in my life and it first starts off as just a minor annoyance and eventually effects all parts of your life. The sand didnt just effect the bottom of my purse but it effected everything that was in my purse and everywhere i brought my purse. Like sin does if you allow a little sin in your life it begins to effect every aspect of your life...if you are to lazy to take the time and remove the sin from every aspect of your life ... in purse terms your going to have a broken pen, scratched sun glasses, and sandy lips from your sandy lip gloss and friends who are annoyed cuz they now have sand in their room...silly right...no not at all if we dont remove sin it not only effects the one area of our life it begins to effect all areas of our lives...and it even effects those around us...so stop being lazy and clean out the sin from your life...and i will too :)

2 Peter 3:14 Therefore, beloved, looking forward to these things, be diligent to be found by HIM in peace without spot and blameless.
instead of focusing on our sin lets get it out of our lives and be focused on the LORD!!!

Selfish Ambitions

2010-04-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

Selfish Ambitions?!?!?!? what is it?

according to Dictionary.com
Selfish - devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with ones one interest, benefits, welfare, etc. Regardless of others.
Ambitions - an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for it's attainment.

So what got me thinking about selfish ambitions? (making a long story short i will get to the point about selfish ambitons) One of my friends and I who I hadnt hung out with in a while were talking. I told him that I had joined Eharmony. We were talking about relationships and the desire to be married. He then brought up the Bible verse found in Galations 5:20 (there is also another verse in 1 Cor 12:20 that talks about selfish ambitions as well). We talked about how Paul says its better to be single so that we might serve the LORD with our whole lives. The conversation continued...

This got me thinking ... How much in my life is a selfish ambition... how often am i doing things that are not necissarliy wrong in the world's eyes or even some Christians eye's but are truly just self seeking ambitions. Is getting my job a selfish ambition, is dating a selfish ambition, is wanting to save up to buy a condo, a car, and whatever else all selfish ambitions?

So I came to the conclusion... I need to seek God in every situation.

In my future job i need to be on my knees fasting and praying that I get hired where HE wants me to be. Not where I want to be. I need to be open to going where ever HE wants me whether thats in southern califonia or in some other country.

In dating...after the past few months of dating...i've decided i dont like it... i don't really enjoy it all actually. I love meeting new people and getting to them...but dating?!?!!? i guess there is a reason i never really dated before this and that is BECAUSE there is NO POINT!!!! whats the point in going out with different people all the time to just realize that you are trying to rush God's timing and just hurry up and check the next thing off your to do list... so i said good bye to eharmony with the help of another friend who changed my password so i can't log on until God makes it perfectly clear that HE wants me on there (which I would be surprised if i ever log on again to be completly honest). I did pray about buying my subscription before going on but it was one of those prayers that was more like God if you don't want me to go on stop me...and if you want me to go on provide the money (when i kinda sorta knew i was getting a job that week). So did i waist my money...Yes and No I just had to spend $100 to learn that I need to not be seeking my selfish ambitions and be on my knees a little more often seeking the will of the LORD.

Saving my money to buy a condo and a car?!?!?! selfish ambitions? Well i could justify both purchases very easily. But why invest in a home on this earth if I don't know if God wants me to live in the Inland empire. Why put money into a new car if i have a car that works (well most of it works just not the air... and it sounds like its playing the tambourine sometimes) but ultimately how would these things help me to further the Kingdom of God?

So life lesson learned i need to be on my knees a lot more and not be so much of a planner. I want to just allow God to work in my life and be used by HIM!

DISCONNECTED

2010-02-08T16:54:00.000-08:00

I feel disconnected. I deleted my twitter and facebook accounts over two weeks ago. I deleted my them so I could be more professional. So I wouldn't have all my business all over the Internet while I'm working for a school district and soon to be applying for jobs. The first two weeks were nice because I didn't feel like I had to be on there. This week I realized how much I use to communicate with people on there and how little communication I now have with people. I still like the fact of not having one but i miss seeing pictures of what people did and talking on the chats. Oh well...I will get over it and there are plenty of good things that have come from deleting my accounts! I spend more time with my family, lesson planning, etc. So life without FB and tweeting isn't as bad or as hard as I thought it would be :)

Growing up

2010-02-01T20:25:00.001-08:00

I'm growing up!?!?!?

Yes thats right its been a weird few weeks. I have been working full time. It is interesting working from 7:30 to about 4:00 monday through friday. I enjoy the time I spend in the classroom and all that I am learning. It has been interesting to transition from hanging out with friends all of the time to working and coming home to do more work. I have little time to hang out and little time to spend with friends. I have been spending more time with my family which I have LOVED! It has been intersting. I look forward to the day that I will pick up a pay check after these weeks. But the interesting thing is people have always ask kids if money wasn't an issue what would you want to be when you grow up. I have always said a special education teacher. I still agree with it. I have been throughly enjoying each day in this class and the hours I spend in and out of the classroom working on lessons and working with the students. I know that this is where GOD wants me and what HE has given me a passion for. I LOVE IT!!!! God is so good!

Sounds Like Life To ME

2010-01-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

So there is this country song out there called sounds like life to me. It is pretty much about how life circumstances come at us and there are so many at once and they seem like the end of the world. Yet they are not. It's just life. The sad thing is that the song doesn't talk about the true purpose of life and the fact that there is hope when these things come at us. I lost my wallet today and other things have been going on in my life my initial reaction was oh well it will show up somewhere in my house but it didn't. So then i started to get frustrated (mind you there are plenty of other BIG things going on right now in my life that a wallet should really not matter that much) So i continued to be focused on the fact that i lost my wallet. I then began to realize that it wasn't as big of a deal i made it out to be...and neither are the other things going on in my life. Jerimiah talks about how God knows the plans HE has for me. So i need to be trusting that this life HE has me living is for a purpose. But also that i need to not only just trust that what HE has me doing is for HIS purpose but i need to be laying down every day to HIM. Letting HIM guide me and not planning every moment out and asking HIM to be part of what i have left over...but rather surrendering all of me every moment of every day...all i am is for HIM. HE created me and i want to live for what HE purposed my life for!

Wait One Minute...you want me to wait?

2010-01-03T23:46:00.000-08:00

So I decided to read My Utmost for HIS Highest tonight. The passage I read talked about waiting...

I began to read it like I do most devotionals just something to read and learn but I rarely put things into practice. So as I began to read about waiting it talked about God's timing and what the time of waiting could do...As I was reading I was thinking ok this is nothing i havent heard before. People always say God is teaching something through this or through that...and yes HE is (I know that) but i was really just like so whats the point why does this devotinal have anything to offer that 100 others dont... As I continued to read it said to not busy yourself in your time of waiting...i thought WAIT ONE MINUTE!!!! what am i suppose to do then...And thats when I realized i dont know if i ever have truly waited!
These might seem trivial but they have a point
Waiting in line at Disneyland - its not waiting when i busy myself with talking to friends playing games, etc
Waiting in traffic - Not when i have my cellphone...i can talk/text anyone i feel like
Waiting at the Dr. Office - no i will busy myself with reading or again the cell phone (even though it says to put it away :)
Waiting on GOD's Timing - Do i really wait or have I just been filling my life with things to do in the mean time...why wait when i can fill my life with 100 other things...I should wait becuase that is what God has called me to do. I Should wait so that I can learn what HE wants to show me... I should wait in order to draw closer to HIM...

This year my New Year's Resolution is to WAIT

Surrender

2009-06-13T23:42:00.000-07:00

I came broken not knowing what I had to give to my camper, fellow CIA's, and staff. I came wondering why I went. I knew that iI was there for a purpose. I knew God would use me but i didn't know how.
For the past two months i hav felt as though i've been drowning. drowning in fonfusion yet knowing God's Grace and Mercy were keeping me a float.
Confused and lost yet i kknew i needed to stay near God. Yet I did not want to grab on. I felt as if I were in the Ocean tredding water and there was a raft right next to me. I knew i just needed to get inside the raft and I would be safe from the storm. Yet i stayed in the water, my legs bean to get tired. but i used my arms. My arms began to get tired my body was reaching a point of exhaustion yet i refuesed to rasp on to God's life raft. My body had reached the point of giving up yet i didn't want to grab on. I didn't want to admit I wasn't holding on already. I thougth by grabing on I would lose the little control i did have. I thought i would admit to all others watching that i wasn't trusting in God. I knew the raft would hold me i knew so well that i was covinved so i told others they needed to hold on and get aborad. yet i stayed in the water. I wanted to thin that wher i was was ok. A place of complacency, yet i was tired, overwhelemed, frustrated. I didn't understand how the raft wasn't supporting me. I wondered if i would end up drowning. Drowning into my own desires. Letting go of my first love to grap onto anything and everything that would allow me to feel better for the moment. When i thought there couldn't be anymore storms and the storm i was in coudn't get any worse. I submersed myself in a different body of water. I thought a break from this storm would allow me to have time to myself time to think and be away from everything. My pain of thought i might loose my sister was unbareable. i would do anything to help her. But i just didn't feel useful. I would try and i wanted to cheer her up. I wanted her to be in the raft in the arms of our FATHER. Once i saw that she was securely trusting in Him. I knw she would be ok. but i still was at apiont where i didnt climb into the raft i wanted to trust Him but i just didnt know how. I left ... I went to a place where no one knew about the storm i was in. No one knew where the last 2 months had taken me. No one knew that i cried on a daily basis wondering when the storm would be over. yet i knew all along if i just got in the raft i wouldn't have to try to be perfect. I woundt have to try and act as if my life was neatly put together. I would be fine knowing the CREATOR of the universe was keeping me a float through the storm i was facing.
By walking away from the first storm I was put in another stomr. One more trial one more time of knoiwng there was nothing I could do to make the situation any different. Figuring out that I didnt have the solution to every problem. But i didn't know if that was ok. was it ok to ask for help. was it ok to not be the best at everything i did. Was it ok that i didnt have the solution to every problem that came my way? i realized that through this time a prayer request was answered. I was completely broken. broken into so many pieces. I realized that I was never in control. Realizing that its ok to not be perfect or the best and knowing that i shouldn't give up when it gets hars.
i'm at a point of ultimate surredner, a point at which i realize i have no control. My only choice is to drown or get int he raft. I chose the raft. I chose surrendering. I want to stop striving and allow God to work through me. Trusting that He will get me through each situation.
FREEDOM! FREEDOM in christ alone is all i need i'm letting go and letting God have control of all of me!

Handle it

2009-04-21T23:14:00.000-07:00

Handling life circumstances...some people eat, others exercise I sleep. Whenever i have an issue or im stressed out about something I just want to sleep.I want to go to sleep because when i wake up the problelm isn't as big as it was before i fell asleep. Now i dont want to go to sleep i dont like to sleep. I dont ever want to go up stairs and go to bed at night. The problem doesn't seem smaller when i wake up if anything the problem becomes more real everytime i wake up. The reality that she's not at home with us anymore. The reality that i miss her being here. I miss walking down stairs and bein aggravated or annoyed with her for some stupid little thing that happened. She was there to bounce my random ideas off of...or just to talk to me about everything in life God, school, boys, life. She is my Big sister and i have lived with her on and off for the past 21 years. She has been someone i've looked up to. Someone to learn from and someone who has always been there for me.
The good thing about me not wanting to go to sleep is that now when i try to handle whats going on around me i am able to cling to the Lord. I realize that i cant handle it and He is the only one i know that can! I didnt and dont want to turn to eating or exercising or anything else people turn to when life becomes crazy. God is here for us. And im constantly remided of how GREAT HE is. That the purpose of this life is to bring GLORY to the creator of the universe! How awesome it is that He wants to have a relationship with me. He wants me to cry out to Him and talk to Him about whats going on. ive turned from sleeping things off to handing things over to God. Theres no other way my family will be able to make it through this with out handing it all over to God.

Cancer

2009-04-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

How real cancer becomes once it hits your family. The months of march and april have been extremely challenging. My cousin and uncle died of cancer. And just this past week we found out my older sister who is 27 years old and 29 weeks pregnant now has cancer.
God is the only one who is going to be able to get my family through this. I know He has a purpose and a plan for everything. The Bible says that God is our provider our savior our comforter our hope our salvation. Because of these i know that everything is going to be ok. I am praying that God grants my faily comfort that we have a peace with everything that is going on and that we might be able to lead others to the Lord through this. That we will look past the problem and look to the problem solver. HE is in control and He knows whats going to happen and why its going to happen that way. I need to remind my self to keep my eyes off the cancer off the problems around me and keep focus upon My LORD and Savior.

Dressing Bottles

2009-03-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

I pulled the dressing out of the refrigerator and the oils on the outside made the glass bottle drop out of my hands. As I stand there watching the bottle drop to the floor. It is going in slow motion and is see the bottle flip over and over. I reach out my hand to grab it before it hits the floor but I didn’t grab fast enough. The bottle hit the floor sending glass and dressing all over the kitchen floor.
In my mind the bottle appeared to be dropping so slowly but at the same time I couldn’t reach it. What was I suppose to do? There’s no use in crying over spilt milk or dressing for that matter. But right now I feel as though the dressing bottle represents my life. If I can just grab a hold of the bottle before it hits the floor I know everything is going to be alright and I won’t have to worry about picking up the pieces or loosing what’s on the inside of this life I have all planned out. What am I to do?
I stretch out my hand to grab a hold of my life but the bottle is going too fast. My hands can’t catch up to the bottle and now I know the unenviable is going to happen. But I don’t want to have to pick up the broken pieces. I don’t want to have to mop up the dressing it’s just too much work because there are so many other things going on.
My life is moving too fast and I can’t keep up with it yet at the same time I see my life dragging on in slow motion as though I will not make it to the next step in my life. What am I suppose to do?
I’m suppose to let go and let God Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
By not reaching out I will allow God to reach out and grab a hold of the slippery bottle known as my life. HE knows what’s going to happen and HE knows that no matter how much I try to control what will happen in my life only HE knows what HE has planned for me. Though I might try to see whats going on and try to sort things out…I can’t? I CAN’T… I know I can’t but why do I try to. Why do I give things over to God and then take them back upon my own shoulders piece by piece until what I gave to God is no longer given to HIM but taken back by me.
It’s time I LET GO OF THIS LIFE…that has nothing to offer me…and stretch my hands to the heavens and allow God to catch the falling dressing bottles in my life…Allow HIM to rule and reign as the almighty Savior that HE is. To keep my hands outstretched in surrender to the ONE who sent HIS son to die on the cross in order for my sins to be forgiven. To live a life that is all ABOUT God and not about the worries of this life. Being married, having the dream job, owning a home, wearing the name brand clothing, looking like a movie star none of it matters when my hands are lifted and my focus is upon the LORD.

randomn thoughts flowing through my head

2008-08-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

Just because im not there doesnt mean i said good-bye. I don't understand things and sometimes i try not to think about them. I know what im doing is where im suppose to be but some times its hard to allow myself to be worried and scared. I love what i do yet i'm afraid of the unknown. Im almost done with school. what happens once i graduate? i have no idea...i live for something more then school, friends, and future goals and asperations. I live for the one who created me. However im easily side tracked by the small things in life i have my highs and my lows but im constantly reminded that He is always there for me in the good and the bad. No friend is closer then Him. No family member knows more about me then Him. But why cant i let go of every part of me to allow Him to be used in me. I want to only be living for Christ.

God is faithful in every detail

2008-08-12T22:20:00.000-07:00

Life is CRAZY...When i look at my life and my future i sometimes begin to ask to many questions and then i begin to worry. I'm not generally someone who stresses out a lot. But lately i've had to make some important decisions. IT has truly been amazing to see God work through each one of them. I always knew He was faithful but this summer has been a great reminder of how faithful He really is.
The LORD has shown me so much this summer and even before. I think im going to list the things rather then write them in paragraph form.
- When the Lord calls you to do something JUST DO IT...because if you dont do it when he calls you to it you will pay for it! 2nd semester last year i felt as though God was calling me to live at home so i decided that i would live at home...And then i convinced myself to live at school. And now God has continued to show me that i need to live at home this semester so thats where im going to be.
- The Lord answers prayer request
There are too many prayer request that He answered this summer to list them all. but a few have been. Where i will be going to grad school, where i will be living, what i will be doing for money, where i will be serving in ministry...and thats only a few!
- In Texas the Lord reminded me of the heart He gave me for children that have special needs. Texas was 3 of the best weeks of my life. Because God showed me so much while i was there in my personal walk with Him. And i learned a lot after the camp while thinking about everything that happened.

So this is my summer in a very small nut shell!